(Tales from an outsider)
Aka: random thoughts & possible skewed views
We, as individuals & especially women, are the harshest judges on ourselves.
There are plenty of 'childhood' issues we don't really grow out of. Same probs, just on an adult level.
The more stuff we have, the more we have to complain about. (or be grateful for.)
9/6/14- This weekend Tara Flemming put together a surprise getaway weekend to Branson for Mardee's bday. It's not about me, but I feel pretty special being included in this elite group of ladies! (Tara Flemming, Mardee Clive, Melissa Christensen, Kori Hatch, Jill Smallwood, Karyn Bennett, Sarah Bredensteiner)
9/21/14- Strange! It seems when I'm out on the bike or driving in the car, I have these great thoughts that I'd like to write down. By the time I get home, where I can write it down, I can't remember what it was. (Sigh)
9/24/14- (today is Bens bday! He's 36. We are getting old)
There is something I've noticed about my taste in clothes & food lately. As for clothes, there are some things I liked when I was pregnant, that I don't like any more. There are even some clothes I liked while nursing, but don't like anymore. Prob partly due to weight loss, I've actually decided to try new styles/trends. (New to me, anyway)
My taste in some foods have changed as well. Again, partly due to pregnancy & prob the fact that taste buds change on an average to every 7 years. For one, I can not eat oranges of any kind, at all. Zero desire to eat a fruit I once enjoyed. Oranges in a smoothie or OJ is just fine. Can't figure that out.
9/27/14
Upon some reflection, my mind seems to like to review pros & cons of various topics. As an example, where I volunteered for BBB. Yes, the lot was not very close to the action, but I also felt safe there too. It's yet another reminder that God is aware of us. Perhaps it was better that I was in that lot, and that's ok. I still got to see plenty of bikes & chat briefly with a few people.
Since I'm in AZ with Beth, I've had time to contemplate pros & cons of being single. It really can be a selfish lifestyle. (Not all single people are selfish) But, you're free to do what you want when you want, mostly. But it's also kind of a lonely life, at times.
It makes me wonder if any of my sibs will ever turn their lives towards God.
It's interesting too, bc I'm the 'white sheep' in the family it seems to a certain degree I make my siblings friends kind of uncomfortable. (Maybe that's my misconception?) It's certainly not intentional. I wonder a little if my sibs think I'm better than I know I am? Make sense?
Mostly, I don't mean to be judge mental of anyone & hope I don't come off as such. It is thoughtful of Beth to be respectful of my standard of living. She swears less. That's nice of her. She'll ask others to do the same.
Though we are born into families, it's nice to know we make friends with people whom we consider family. Lately, I've enjoyed 'adopting' some people. Ex: Elders Reed & Powers (aka Powpow) as younger bros. Ed Upchurch, motorcycle riding coach, as my 'Uncle' Ed. :)
Part 2 (the first part was on the way to the family party in Sedona. This is the after part)
As different a lifestyle that I live from the rest of my sibs, it's nice to know we still have plenty in common. It was nice to be able to surprise Adam & Michele! It went better than I thought. Hiking was in the agenda, but it rained. For what I got to see of Sedona, it was pretty, despite all the rain. Also, I did not bring a jacket bc I thought it was going to be much warmer. Oh well. It was fun being with family, having a cookout, eating good food, celebrating Adam & Michele. Good times!
Bummer that Adam & Michele's van wouldn't start. Fortunately, Martin (Beth's friend) was helpful & so was Michele's friends. 4 of the 5 Parent 'kids' crammed in Martins car , (Jonas) was with us too. We all drove them to the hotel where they are staying. Jonas is a cute kid! He loves his Uncle Ben. :)
It does make ma kind of sad that I don't know the Parent nieces & nephews better. There are entirely too many nieces & nephews on the Chandler side to keep up with. Not that I love them any less, of course.
It'll be interesting to see where Curtis' job takes us, and when.
10/2/14
A couple weeks ago I started Cymbalta. (Since I had a 'Prozac poop-out') I'm not really sure what to expect or how to know if it's doing what it's supposed to. I feel like its really affecting my sleep. I feel WAY more tired in the morning than when I go to bed at night. (More so than usual) My dreams seem to be much more emotional or anxiety filled than usual too. It's rather frustrating. When I'm awake I don't feel as anxious, but it really shows up in my sleep! Idk what to do!
I'm also rather frustrated with Mer. Much more often than not, she complains and says 'not fair' after almost everything she is told. It's wearing me out! I hope & pray that N does not follow in M's path. If that's the case, I will lose my mind more than I all ready have. Aaaagghh!
On a side note to self/reminder: kids truly have no real sense of time or the passage of time. Ex: when my dad was a truck driver & was gone a lot after we moved to Ft. Smith, I thought he was gone for YEARS. (At least 5 years) It was later that I learned he had been gone for only 2 years. For a kid, that's a long time.
Try to remember this when talking to Mer about time, dates, etc.
10/10/14
Guilt has a time and a place. (Like many things/emotions) God does not intend for us to feel guilt about everything!
Recently, I learned another one of those life lessons that you won't understand until you experience it yourself. Children need to be taught how to be grateful & they need to learn to appreciate what is offered/given to them. I say this because M & E recently were complaining about something. (Lack of treats maybe?) It brought to my memory a time when I was a kid and prob complaining about something similar. My parents would get so upset about their 'ungrateful' children. Oooohhh! I get it now! We learn gratitude as we go.
10/12/14
Lately, due to changes in my anti-anxiety/depression meds, I feel like a science experiment. It makes me sad that the Prozac pooped out on me. I tried Cymbalta for a few weeks. It affected my sleep, my dreams, & my weight, not in good ways. Now I'm trying Effexor. It's supposed to take a couple of months before I notice it working. Geez! In the mean while, I feel a little more crazy than usual. I'm almost considering just quitting meds. Not sure how that would go either. (Sigh, frustration)
Update re: Curtis' job-
His boss Theresa called him last week and told him about 2 different job offers. There was one in Cincinnati and one in Chicago. Curtis really likes the job offer in Chicago. After some prayer, pondering & consideration, I told Curtis I'll support him in his decision. We are still currently waiting to know more. (Move date, cost of living expenses, job start date, etc) One might think the more you practice patience, the more you'd improve on it. Idk, hard to tell. I do know, it's really best for me to wait for Curtis to offer info about the job instead of my asking him about it. (Rather pestering, nagging, annoying, etc, whichever)
11/9/14
I get frustrated with myself for being needy. It's frustrating to feel needy or too needy. It's not so bad if there is someone that I can help. (Not sure how much sense this makes.)
Balance: there are times when I can help fulfill another's need & there are times when another can help fulfill my need. I will not always be able to repay kindness/or good deeds that have been done for me. However, I can continue to 'pay it forward.'
Today in church we sang, 'A poor wayfaring man of grief'. It was in Spanish, but I recall the meaning of the song lyrics. It really touched my spirit. For a brief moment, I was able to really think about what the Savior has done for me & how I treat my children reflects how I've done that unto Him. (See lyrics to previously mentioned hymn.) It's SO hard to be a parent. More often than not I feel like I'm failing. When will I know that I've made a difference? How will I know that I am succeeding?
11/21/14 - notes from 'Dressing your truth' - Type 1 personality
Other key words that describe the movement of this energy in a dominant Type 1 woman are: fresh, youthful, animated, bubbly, brilliant, radiant, connected then disconnected, crisp, fun and unstructured.
Before you have mastered one subject, your interest wanes because new impressions have already captured your attention. You love light work, which attracts your attention, where there is no need of deep thought or great effort.
Challenge: Because you are so adaptable with your light, non- structured, airy energy, and you have a sunny nature that boosts others up, you have a tendency to consider what others want before you consider what you want. With this tendency of saying “What do you want?” to others, you may also be trying to avoid taking responsibility in case things don’t work out. This may even develop into feeling like you need to ask for permission for anything you want. If this is happening to you, you have allowed your upward, light, airy energy to take over, losing yourself in your own carefree nature.
COMMUNICATION
You value change, fun, and spontaneity in your communication. You love having fun while understanding and connecting with others. Type 1 women are the chatters and talkers of the four Types. You like to talk, chitchat, and enjoy verbal interaction while doing other things. You can often interrupt or jump from topic to topic in midair when you are in the middle of a conversation because you process information so much faster than other people do. You speak what you are thinking almost instantly. You feel no need to sort it out before you spit it out! You are frank, talkative, social, and your emotions are readily expressed.
You relish good conversation, but can also go with the flow. You can chitchat or make small talk with the best of them. In your conversations, you can move from one idea to another so quickly, it appears random to others. You like to change focus often and move from one thing to the next, taking a lot in. You have a high level of belief and like to share that and use it to encourage others.
Relationships—You seek a wide and broad range of friendships. You are not selective or exclusive. You are not insistent upon accep- tance of your ideas or plans. You agree readily with others’ wishes, being compliant and adaptable.
• Your energy is light, scattered and upward. It is random in movement and appears to be unstructured and inconsistent to others. This allows you the ability to be flexible, change direc- tions, and be open to new possibilities.
Challenge: You can get stuck in the idea phase, bringing in more ideas than you can follow through with. You easily disconnect from one thing that is already in progress to start something new. You like the feeling of newness so you leave other things undone that have already been started.
PERSONALITY TRAITS
You like change and new experiences. You talk readily and easily to people. You like to keep things light and fun, encouraging and moti- vating others along the way. If someone is feeling down, you will readily encourage them, cheerleading them to feel better. You move forward with excited and hopeful determination, always making it fun along the way.
You are naturally cheerful and have an innate love of pleasure and fun. You do not like to be alone. You love company and amuse- ment, and you want to enjoy life. You tend to have an elated spirit, you are not given to worry and anxiety, and your nature is to be carefree. You are consistent in not being consistent—changing plans and living your life with abandon, not structure. You are able to respond to changing situations spontaneously with an inspired perspective.
If you are a Type 1, you organize things quickly in your mind, but you may look disorganized to others. This is because both your movement and your approach to life is more random. You can juggle many things at once, so it all fits together for you. Because you have quick mental organization, you are highly intuitive and can sense possibilities that others cannot. (For me, Random is the key word here.)
Physical activity—
You prefer group activities, whether work or play, and are not easily satisfied with individual projects unless the project you are working on is motivated by doing something for someone else. When you are exercising, you prefer to socialize at the same time and prefer group sports to individual sports.
Voice/language-
Due to your bubbly, buoyant nature, when you speak, the tone of your voice rises and falls a lot. You speak with more dramatic, expressive, descriptive, animated language, and a lot of laughter. You always talk with your hands—actually, your whole body will be involved in expressing what you are saying. You like to use animated words and descriptions.
(I have some Type 2 tendencies)
As a Type 2 woman you may have a tendency towards these weaknesses:
• You may get caught up in all the details and find it difficult to make decisions.
• You may be too attached to people, things, or memories and not be willing to let go so you can move forward in life.
• You may appear to be too soft, too nice and not be able to stand your ground and share your true feelings.
• You may become so concerned about others’ feelings that you don’t acknowledge your own or give yourself value.
• You may require others to slow down because you think, like you, they need to move in a slower pattern and give more attention to details before moving forward.
1/4/15
The Savior is kind to me. I too need to be kind to me. (Mentally, emotionally, physically) In studying Primary lessons & planning what I'll say/share, I need to remember that these words apply to me as well. I too am a child & daughter of God who loves me & I love Him. Truly take time to apply scriptures & doctrine to myself. Act as if my Savior is talking to me. He wants what is best for me. Why shouldn't I also want what is best for me? (In spiritual terms/needs)
2/1/15. In Sunday school today Bro Conover commented that the scriptures tell us to be good/or how we can be good. (Look up scripture references) We often feel inadequate. The Lord doesn't tell us to be awesome/excellent. He tells us how we can be good.
2/15/15 - (one month away from Clara's bday)
This is our 2nd Sunday here in Edwardsville ward in IL. We visited with the Bishop during Sunday school. After chatting a bit, introducing ourselves, he asked if I would serve in Primary. I came undone. I cried. (Surprised myself) I can't serve in Primary. I love my children. It doesn't really make sense to me. I'm confused by my reaction.
